My life has been filled with several ups and downs lately and it is truly been a roller coaster. I feel like I am constantly dissapointing and failing everyone around me including myself. I feel like I'm constantly alone in every single situation that I go through and that's also depriving. I mean I might be over exagerating but it's like something in me just shut off like a switch and I'm done caring. I know that not caring is dangerous and not very critical for my future, but in my head.. I can't seem to get out of this hole. I can't seem to free myself and find who I was. This is not me and I know that for a fact I just don't know what happened and if it is too late. I'm praying for guidance and reassurance.. but most of all strength.
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Five years from now I expect to have life life together and be happy with the career I'm in. I will be 22 and hopefully a journalist working for CNN or Vogue magazine. I hope I am one step closer to having my own talk show. I also hope all the people I love are in my life and are ultimately happy as well. I hope to still be with my boyfriend as well and happily living together and getting my degree. I hope that the both of us are are content with where we are in our lives and I hope my sister is going to the college of her dreams and I hope my brother is too. I hope my parents are truly happy with themselves and are living life to the fullest. 5 years from now if i am not financially stable and mentally stable then everything I would be doing would be a waste. I hope to keep all my standards to the highest reach and have really good hair.
I've always loved to give. Being the reason behind someones smile is so fulfilling and satisfying. I love to spoil especially when I can. The people in my life are so deserving of it. What I love o do and what I realize people in my life also love is when I can express how I feel. I do it the best through my writings so when I have the time, I love to write letters to them. I love surprises myself and I love to surprise people. Receiving is also the best too. I love being surprised and I love gifts. Waking up to a paragraph or listening to people talk about their passions or how they feel is also very satisfying. Give me a stimulating great conversation and I promise I will be very appreciative. I can't decide wether or not I love giving or receiving more because I love doing and being apart of both.
Dear diary, my life right now has been going pretty smooth. Besides the fact that I'm extremely stressed out about my grades which is no surprise, I got asked to prom yesterday and am reminded everyday of how I have been blessed with such amazing friends and family. I am excited for spring break and April in general. Soon I will be getting my license and my sister and I will be taking on many adventures. I am excited to do fun things with her because she is very creative and funny and is always up for a good time like me. I am exited for summer and late night drives and parked car conversations. I cannot wait for the heat, sunglasses, and slushies. I am so excited to let my hair dry outside and go swimming. I am excited for the college visits and all the grad parties I will be attending. I'm ready for one of my best friends to come down to columbus for spring break and stay with me for a while. There are so many exciting things coming up and it keeps me open minded and happy for what is to come.
lately I've been thinking about second chances and how much they truly mean. For me they mean everything to me because it feels like a fresh start. This Monday journal is a second chance. I have been so down this quarter and felt like everything was crashing down on me... I'm not the best at dealing with situations like that because it makes me feel like everything is just ending and there is nothing I can truly do which causes me to feel even more discouraged. Thanks to you Mrs. Poole, you've given me this second chance and I don't think I can truly explain how much this means to me. I honestly feel like you're the only teacher that sees something in me and that encourages me and installs hope in me so thank you. Just when I felt like I didn't know how I was gonna cope, stressed, and tense... I was given this chance and it was much needed.
Yesterday night I was hanging out with one of my good friends and a situation occured where I had to step in and stand up for her because a boy she was previously talking to, forgot to mention that he had a girlfriend. When I see my friends go through things like that it really pains my heart because my friends are good people and deserve to be treated well. I stuck up from her and had a talk with the dude that chose to disrespect her and hurt her. She is one of the sweetest people I know and I reminded her that at the end of the day it is his loss. He obviously being immature felt no remorse and was rude about the situation while playing victim. She is not used to dealing with situations like that so of course I stepped in because thats what real friends are for.
I am looking forward to the future the most. I am looking forward to growing up and getting out of high school and seeing what life has planned for me and what is in store. I am excited to meet new people and wake up every morning doing what I love. I am looking forward to being successful and waking up every morning with the love of my life. I am most excited to give. I am looking forward to receiving so much just so I can give even more to the people who still continue to show me unconditional love every single day. I am very thrilled to make my own decisions and being able to be fully independent and take care of myself. I am looking forward to spreading the truth throughout my career and meet very influential and inspiring people throughout my life. I also look forward to see what I look like in the future and fully hit my glow.
One very important life lesson I learned in life is to let go and forgive. I have been through a lot of situations in my life that has caused me to turn cold at times and hold grudges. Life is too short to settle for less and be upset over things that might've been out of your control.. Sometimes you need to let go and realize that the people that are meant to stay in your life will and if change is to ever come it will not be forced but decided by the ones you want to see the change from. You will see that the pain will subside and eventually everything will fall into place sometimes and might even be unexpected. That's life. One moment you're crying and the next you're laughing. There's so much beauty in the struggle and sometimes getting through it, is worth getting over it. The pain i once went through does not amount to the happiness i feel now. Sometimes the people that put you through the worst hurt are the ones who also bring you the most happiness. It's twisted but real and in the end makes sense when you truly meet the lesson that you were supposed to.
I think the media has its good and bad traits just like everything else people seem to abuse the things that are supposed to be a privalledge. The media to me has represented a place for me to be free even though people feel like there are many restrictions but I think it depends on the thoughts that run through your head. For many the media is a diary which I do not fully agree on to be completely honest some things should be kept in private and not announced for the world to see and know. The media to me has been such a gift I learn everyday from many accounts that preach different things. The media has given me a sense of confidence and empowerment because I can state my opinions and argue or discuss with those who do not agree on some of the things I say.
Social media is where I can truthfully admit I spend most of my time on. I tweet constantly update my followers my current mood or situation without even thinking. It's become a habit now. Unlike some people I know, I know what to post and say and what not to. I've always been a pretty private and reserved person so my accounts are pretty clean for me. I love following feminist and beauty accounts the most. I love seeing young women uplifting each other which are mainly the accounts I follow. I also follow many of my friends and celebrity stan accounts. There are also may passionate people on social media that stick up for whatever they believe in like equality and gay and trans rights. I love following accounts where I can learn from and hear everyones view on situations that are happening in every day life. I also love fashion accounts and accounts that make me laugh. Social media should be a place that people can enjoy themselves and talk to their friends. It shouldn't be a mean cruel place where people have to feel like they need to delete their account or log off or are even scared to log in. I've never had a problem with it and I encourage people to get involved and create an account because I truly feel like it has changed the world for the better even though like I've stated before, It does have it's downsides. You are always so sweet like honey... I've wanted to write about you from the very first time we met but could'nt exactly put the words down like I wanted to. I always for some un known reason that I actually probably know, find myself running back to you every single time that now my stomach actually turns when I think about how much you mean to me. My friends all say that I never actually told you how much you mean to me but I know you know. We kinda work like that. The unknown and unheard things always come out without ever having to say them. One look from you and I'm instantly melting. I hate myself for it to. I loose myself every time I'm with you but I love the feeling so much. I love not giving a single care in the world. I love feeling like you and I could take over the whole world if we really wanted to. I love how fast you drive and how you laugh at every single one of my jokes. I love the fact that you are the only person that knows me on a whole other level. I would say I love you but my pride won't let me.
I wish you hadn't left me for her. Crazy how sex controls the average teenage boy's brain. I would've gave you so much. My whole heart for christs sakes does that mean anything to you? I would've let every single guard down for you I would've said screw being scared of feeling vulnerable I would've loved you so hard. I know you didn't t leave me for any other reason because even the thought of whatever we had meaning nothing to you and causing you to feel another connection would tear the shreds of my heart I have left up. You always come back though that's the one thing that I'll always remember.. This time though, coming back to you would take a lot more than a facetime call. It might take everything in me to say no, but thankfully I've still got a little of the old me still there.. somewhere. I'll find her. "You were not wrong for leaving you were wrong for coming back and thinking you could have me when it was convenient and leave when it is not" -milk and honey |
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February 2017
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